Day 3 the blues

It didn’t get easier today, not by a long shot. It is already an accomplishment simply to arrive at school on time and sign in. I have never failed to do this, so that’s something. My commute from home is so short that I can’t complain, I don’t waste time in freeway traffic. But I’ve counted the obstacles I have to clear in order to make my way to the unreserved parking lot. There are three major ones, I take a big breath when I’ve made it safely into the parking lot.

I usually walk around the outside of the school towards the main office to enjoy the nature and have less “good morning” conversations as I sleep walk to the sign-in board. Because I have first period conference this year (not by choice) , I am sometimes asked to cover classes when the teacher or the sub is running late. Today I had to cover two different classes in the morning. I’m not motivated by the extra money for doing these coverages, but I do want to be a team player and help out the office. The karma is often pretty instant.

I didn’t have enough time to prepare my class or go to the restroom, etc, so I never really recovered from the stress of starting off the routine. Not that I’m settled into routine yet, my body is protesting loudly in the morning. The 8th grade class reverted to their form from last semester, leading me to nagging and pleading and basically being made into a fool for caring. Then with a 10 minute break I scrambled to prep for the first of 4 more 6th grade classes and I felt like a mess. The heat experiment tanked just the way I feared it would. My Per 3 class is small (only 22 students) and pretty forgiving so it was ok, the simulations worked well and  I got to the end of the lesson as planned.  I guess it wasn’t as bad as I felt. But then the Per 4 class came and it is larger (37) and much less forgiving. There is no margin for error with that class and even a great teacher would have to deal with multiple behavior issues. It’s so hard not to turn into a nagging monster. I’ve done so many Fred Jones trainings, I feel I should be better than this. But when you’re tired and stressed and haven’t had a chance to prepare, it’s tough to be at your best. I’ve determined this semester to teach the same lesson to all the 6th grade classes, although they are at different levels. Last semester I let go to the student teacher and he went much slower through the content than I do.

I don’t believe in “dumbing down” the content for less gifted students, my lessons are designed to work for all students. I don’t believe in teaching to the middle ability, I teach to the top and challenge all to rise with that tide. I learned that at an NAGC conference.  My approach to differentiation is to provide extra resources and opportunities for those that want them, but I don’t pressure or use force. At least I try not to. I don’t assign homework at all, but I’ll use that as a threat to finish the lesson in class.

I’ll discuss it more in another post but I’m trying this management thing called Classcraft this year. The students love it but it’s extra work for me and I’m not sure I’m getting much from it. But when I started it I committed to doing it all year.

I had my lunch break by myself as it wasn’t raining and I needed to eat and recover. In the morning I spend time preparing my breakfast and lunch so I never eat any school food or have to be hungry. It’s one of the few things I feel I can control in my work life. The next two classes came in and they could see I wasn’t doing too well and they were pretty cool, they worked hard and we got through the lesson. Then we had our homeroom and I just melted down. At my school the counselors move kids in and out of classes without so much as a courtesy notice to the teacher. To my surprise about 10 more students were added to my homeroom to make it a class of 42. More than half of the homeroom are not even my students and all of these “new” ones were requested by other teachers to be moved and for some reason were rolled down to me.

It breaks my heart not to be welcoming to a student. This broke me today. I only have 35 chairs and my homeroom is supposed to be a dedicated place to get a start on homework, it’s an extension of the academy I work in. My students looked at me with pity and concern, worried that their classroom was being compromised and their teacher was obviously not respected. I have never complained before to an administrator but this time I kind of did, I was promised something would be done and maybe it will. But I feel rotten about it. In my first year of teaching I sent kids to the office or counselor when they reached my last nerve. It didn’t take me long to learn that this made me hated by the staff. In the last 12 years I can’t recall a single time I’ve sent a student to the dean or counselor. We do write up “referrals” online and we send miserable robo-phone calls home, but I never remove students from class or even send them outside. Sometimes I’ll order a student to stand for a minute, that’s about as much power playing as I do.

Meanwhile before tomorrow, I need to pick up the pieces of my shattered lesson plans. The materials kit for IQWST is missing a bunch of stuff and quite frankly the lesson plans are weakly written and explained. It takes me about 2 hours of study to be ready to teach a lesson and about an hour of physical prep. And that’s just for one class that often doesn’t give a damn for learning. They just want to talk to their friends and listen to music, and they’re actually normal. If that class goes well, I have a great day. If not….

I canceled therapy for tomorrow because I can’t imagine having any energy left after school. It’s only the first Wednesday but it feels like I’ve been working months already without a break.  Maybe a hot bath, maybe a massage tomorrow, maybe a long silent hike in nature over the weekend, I’ll try everything to restore myself. I don’t drink and that’s a good thing because I’d be in deep by now.  I don’t recall if this experience is normal and I just repress it and forget it, what’s the use of reflecting on this? But I’ve decided to make a habit of reflecting every day and sort of publicly. Or maybe something really is different this time. I definitely feel very alone when it comes to doing my work. I don’t think anyone understands what I am trying to do and what kind of pressure I am under. I don’t feel like I have anyone rowing the boat with me or even looking out on the horizon to see where I’m headed.

I’m a bit used to that, but it doesn’t pay to feel sorry for oneself, and I rarely do. I have a great job at a nice school that is close to home. My students are mostly well adjusted and I get along with all of them pretty well. My curse is that I want my lessons to be perfect, I want to be the best teacher in the world, I’m very demanding on myself. I’ve given students a test and two lessons from two different formal NGSS units with my different classes. I should feel good about that, right? That’s probably more than anyone else has done so far, yet I feel like such a failure and I’d be horrified to watch a video of my lessons today. Tomorrow I’m going to set the GoPro up in one of the classes so I can face the music.